外围体育投注After being alone for so long, I no longer see a positive side to anything anymore. It's like everything has a negative aura to it, even the things that should be fun or engaging. I must say that my dog does bring genuine smiles and good feelings on the inside, he is probably the only thing that does.
I see everything as either pointless, or negative. Nothing has any positive connotation to it in my mind. I do things to just pass the time and nothing else. My daydreams are fun, but are they fun because I find them enjoyable or is it because they are dissociating me from present life? Or is it the dissociation that I find enjoyable?
This perception of myself and life makes me look like a lazy bum to most other people because it negates any motivation to better myself or even think normal thoughts.外围体育投注 My thoughts have been pessimistic for so long that it's just a natural reaction to see the worst in everything at this point. I have no thoughts anymore, it's just brief or intentional dissociative moments from life. Life is just a blur of negativity to someone like me.
People in real life have convinced me that they aren't worth the effort anymore, yet I still desire ideal connections with others. I've noticed that people continue to disappoint me, and it leads me further and further down the path of schizoidism (is that even a word?). But this is when I've been around people for a bit, currently I'm not.
But then I question myself, are they disappointing me? Or am I so far gone that I'm just looking for disappointments where others don't see any?
Have my 'relationships' in my daydreams spoiled me to where I can't have any in the real world because they'll never live up to the ones in my daydreams?
外围体育投注Do real genuine relationships even exist anymore or is it all some type of front where you're expected to interact with those around you based on how mainstream influences your interactions and portrayal of yourself, in order to be accepted by your peers?
I'm starting to think that real connections don't actually exist and people are just faking them to a degree, in order to not be alone. Or in order for them to portray an image to other humans where they are being welcome by the humans in their immediate environment.
What even is a real connection with others anymore?
外围体育投注I absolutely !!! can’t stand !!! the knack I have for always being the first one to dip from a conversation, even (especially!) a conversation I am enjoying. A combination of empathy and undying self-loathing let me know at a point that I am burdening my conversational partner with my...conversation....and so I just calmly and cooly begin walking away at the same time I am wrapping up my sentence. Then, when it’s been made clear that the conversation is over by the fact that my body is now 15 feet away, I tell myself “Goodbye”, give a usually flaccid but sometimes overly-energetic wave in their general direction, and then I go home.
Or, if on the phone, I just speed-finish my last relevant sentence, cram a goodbye onto the end where they’d never expect it, and hang-up without waiting to receive a buhbye. I call them back like 30% of the time if they’re a loved one, just to clarify that I love them and don’t, in fact, hate them and hate everything we just did over the phone. And then I hang up crazy fast when they’re about to reply oooHHHhmyGOD.
外围体育投注I can’t wrap my head around the concept of waiting for someone to actually give physical/verbal cues that they’re done with a conversation. I think that is exactly what I am trying to avoid...talking to them until I have exhausted or bored them...so I dip well before that point. I know it just leads to conversational blue balls but I also know I would be so hurt actually knowing that someone was “done” with me (the conversation).
外围体育投注I don't know about you guys, but I feel completely trapped, helpless and hopeless. It's so frustrating because I want to be different, I want to live a different life, but it's damn near the same every day. I'm trying to set small goals that I can accomplish, very simple things like eating lunch, reading and doing five push-ups. I decided to keep the goals very simple, that way, I can complete them and feel a sense of accomplishment.
外围体育投注I'm not sure if it's depression, laziness, a lack of sleep, or a poor diet, but I feel exhausted every day. There's about a 3-hour window where I may not feel tired, but the rest of it is like there's a heaviness on my body. Change feels impossible, and I don't know if it's because I've become accustomed to a particular lifestyle or if it's something else.
外围体育投注Anyways, these are just some thoughts.